What Just Happened?A compassionate guide for partners.
Hi.
First up: you’re not in trouble.
Well - you might be. But probably not in the way you think.
If the woman you love seems more irritable, more reactive, or like she’s got a fuse the length of a matchstick lately, this note is for you. If she’s sighing loudly, muttering at kitchen appliances, or storming off mid-conversation - it’s not about the dishwasher. It’s not about you (most of the time). It’s about perimenopause.
And no one told either of you what to expect.
What’s Going On?
Perimenopause is the hormonal transition leading up to menopause. It typically begins in a woman’s 40s, though it can start earlier. It’s marked by big fluctuations in estrogen and progesterone - the hormones that influence not just her cycle, but her brain chemistry, energy, emotions, and how much patience she has for life’s daily nonsense.
Estrogen interacts with serotonin and dopamine (those feel-good chemicals that help us stay calm and balanced). So when estrogen levels start yo-yoing, so do her moods.
In short: her emotional thermostat is being rewired. And some days, the wires spark.
Why the Rage?
It’s a question a lot of partners ask:
“Why is she so angry lately?”
And the answer isn’t simple - but it’s not mysterious either. It’s a combination of:
Hormonal shifts that lower her tolerance for stress
Nervous system overload from years of juggling invisible mental loads
Unspoken resentment she may not have had words for before now
And - this one’s big - an identity shift she didn’t ask for but now has to navigate
This isn’t just about mood swings. It’s about everything she’s held together for years now straining at the seams. It’s about parts of herself she’s had to suppress rising up with urgency.
It’s about her quietly realising: “I can’t keep doing it all like this.”
What You Can Do (Without Getting Singed)
You can’t fix her hormones. But you can support her. And that makes a bigger difference than you think.
Here’s how to help when the emotions run high:
1. Don’t take it personally.
Even if it’s directed at you, it’s probably not about you. Try not to get defensive. Think: What does she need right now? (Often: space, food, silence, or just to be heard without being solved.)
2. Get curious, not combative.
Instead of saying, “What’s your problem?” try “Hey, are you okay? What do you need from me right now?” It shows care, not critique.
3. Step in before she hits her limit.
You might not see everything she does - but you can offer help before she has to ask. Kids wrangled. Dishwasher stacked. Dinner sorted. These small acts of shared effort say: I see you.
4. Respect her need for space.
Sometimes she’ll want to talk it through. Other times, she’ll want to disappear into the bath or the forest and not be touched or talked to. Let her. She’s regulating.
5. Know this is a season, not a personality transplant.
She hasn’t become bitter or mean. She’s just navigating deep change. Support her through it, and you’ll come out the other side stronger, more grounded, and more together.
One Last Thought
If she’s snapping more often, if she’s quieter than usual, if she’s visibly holding something heavy but can’t name it - just know:
She’s not broken. You don’t need to fix it.
She’s going through one of life’s most underestimated transitions.
And she needs you now - not to solve it, but to stand beside her while she moves through it.
(Also: maybe do unload the dishwasher.)